Machinehead
by Chevy Nova
Summary: After the near destruction of his family by his own hands, Don must face the painful reality of his own capabilities. Yet as Raphael refuses to accept Don's new found sense of worth, Don is left with little choice but to prove himself in the only way he knows how.
1. Chapter 1

Machinehead

**Author's Note: **I wrote this primarily in response to Nickelodean's episode of Metalhead. I'll admit, I was a fair bit infuriated with the entire episode from start to finish and I needed to vent my utter frustration.

I should point out I still place this story in my own TMNT universe, so it doesn't follow the Nick portrayal entirely. In the context of this fic the battle with Metalhead was much more severe with Mikey receiving the worst of it. The Kraang also took Metalhead at the end of the fight rather than the turtles. However, I am keeping them in line with Nick's younger portrayal as they are about 14 years old in this story.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the TMNT.

-oOo-

"Come on, Leo. Just one round."

"For the last time," Leonardo squirmed himself deeper into the cushions of the couch, remote in hand as he turned the volume on the screen up a few more decibels, "I'm sick of that stupid game."

Raphael smirked as he leaned over the back of the couch, prodding his older brother in the shoulder, "Only because you suck. I'll go easy on ya, I promise. You might even score a point this time."

"Go bug someone else Raph!"

With a final swatting away of the insistent turtle, Leo cupped his chin in his palms, eyes now in full focus on the screen despite his having no real idea as to what it was he was watching. He supposed Splinter might like someone to gossip about his soaps with though, and in any case, it was better than another earful of Raphael's constant gloating.

Raph gave a loud groan, turning and scanning around the lair before his gaze zoned in on his next victim.

"Hey Mikey, how's about a sparring match or two?"

Met with complete silence, Raph pulled away from the couch with an annoyed noise, stepping over to where the small turtle was curled up in a remarkable silence in a corner of the living room, face stuffed behind the glossy pages of a comic book. He frowned, gaze lingering for just a moment on the bandages still wrapped around his younger brother's leg before he quickly tore his gaze away.

"Mike, did you-"

"Shhhhhhhhhh!"

Raph stopped mid-step as the bright blue eyes of his youngest brother bore into him with an intensity that was only ever brought on by one thing.

"I've been begging April to get me this new edition for weeks, Raph!" Michelangelo huffed as he quickly buried his face behind the vibrant multi-colored pages once more, "I've been dying to find out what happens to Silver Sentry and the Green Mantle…or is it really the Green Mantle? Or could it be the evil doctor's clone…"

As Mikey's resolve fell into quiet muttering, Raphael rolled his eyes, "You can read that stupid thing anytime." he continued over to him anyway with no inclination of being shushed by a turtle reading about a flying man in silver spandex.

Sensing danger, Leo tore his eyes from the screen, "Leave him alone, Raph. Go work on your bike if you're so bored. You made Don help you find all those parts for it last month and I haven't seen you work on it since."

Raph scrunched his face into a scowl, though he found it useless to waste his time on any sort of a good retort as Leo had already returned his engrossed attention to the tragic love tale of Isabella and her masked lover on the television.

"Fine." He muttered as he headed toward the exit that would lead him up to the garage, but paused as he shot a second glance throughout the lair once more, "Hey, where is that machinehead anyway?"

Mikey popped up from behind his book, expression pulled into one of utter confusion, "Metalhead?"

A stricken silence passed through the room before Raph and Leo exchanged glances. No one had so much as mentioned the defunct creation of Donatello's which had nearly cost them their lives since it had been stolen by the enemy no less than a week before. The sound of its name still set forth an uncomfortable wave of chills over the three of them and Leonardo forced himself not to shiver as he shook the image of its piercing yellow eyes from his memory.

Raph's hands were quick to ball into fists as he shot Mikey a glare, his voice escalating to a growl, "I meant Donnie, doofus," he snapped, "that brainiac's been hiding all day."

"In his lab," Leo jerked his thumb in the general direction of the caution taped doors furthest from any common living space, "same place he's been all week."

Raph glanced over to the aforementioned door, his frown deepening as he stared at it, "He can't just hide in there forever."

"A week isn't forever," Leo shook his head and wondered if it was too late to take Raphael back up on his video game offer, "let him be, Raph. He'll come out when he's ready."

"Yeah right," Raph snorted as he began to stomp over to the door, "that's what you said when he burnt Master Splinter's tail with one of his rocket missiles, and we finally had to smoke him out with one of his own stink bombs."

"I still have one," Mikey perked up, "and now this time we'll remember to wear gas masks."

"We're not going to smoke him out," Leo frowned, forcing Mikey to hide behind his comic once again before looking back at Raphael, who now stood before their secretive younger brother's private workspace, "Master Splinter told us to leave him alone, Raph. I advise you to listen for once."

Raph huffed as Leo turned back toward the screen, hands crossed over his plastron in his final, definitive manner, and he could still feel the eyes of Mikey piercing into him from behind the pages of his book. He shook his head, turning back toward the door, but stopped when he heard a sudden clattering underfoot.

The splintered wood of about a foot and a half of Donatello's bo rolled away from him as he'd accidently kicked it. Raphael stared at it, its burnt edges leaving a faint trail of black soot on the floor. He hesitated for only a moment before he quickly reached down and snatched it up he, slipping it in his belt before stopping, now standing directly in front of the shut door of Don's lab.

For a moment, Raphael gave pause, and for once he wished Mikey would go back to his stupid comic and quit watching him. He jiggled the handle for a second, already knowing it would be locked, and he pressed on the top section of the door, wondering if Don had forgotten to lock it as he was sometimes apt to do. The door didn't budge.

"Hey Donnie!"

Raph slammed his fist against the door with enough force to snap Leo out of his seat.

"Raph! I told you not to-"

Both turtles stopped however as the door was abruptly snapped open, although the opening was no more than an inch wide, giving Raphael less than a sliver of his younger brother's face staring back at him.

"What?"

Donnie's voice was quiet, which wasn't all too unusual after a few sleepless nights for the rather private turtle. Yet the word shot out of his mouth was such intensity to force even Raphael for a closer look.

The inch of space was hardly sufficient for Raphael to get a proper view of Don, and he stepped in a bit closer in hopes of catching more than a mere glimpse of shadowy pale green and the hard glint of a single red eye staring back at him. He was surprised as the door didn't budge under his light prodding and his face furrowed, "Let's go, time to get outta there." Raph applied a bit more pressure to the door, his irritation rising as it continued to stay in place.

"Why?"

"Cause," thoroughly annoyed, Raphael shoved his shoulder against the door, only to realize Don must have set up blockade up earlier, as there was no way he'd be able to hold it against Raphael himself and it continued to remain firmly unmoved, "we need ya out here."

"Why?"

Raphael paused, unused to hearing such a question, at least coming from Donatello anyway. He was the one who always answered these kinds of questions, not asked them. Raph felt an uncomfortable prick when he realized Don was genuinely waiting for a response.

"Well…cause…"

Raph forgot about pushing against the door and a heavy silence bore down on the two brothers as they continued to stare at one another, each waiting for the other to speak first. Donatello snapped first.

"That's what I thought."

Raph jumped back as the door was all too suddenly slammed back shut, the screech of a heavy lock sliding into place causing him to twitch. He stood in silence, though it only lasted a second before he whipped around, scowling at the other two turtles who no longer pretended not to stare.

"Get off my shell."

Without further glance at either of them, Raphael stormed away from the door before disappearing out of the lair and toward the garage. Leo and Mikey said nothing after he'd left. Leo gave a sigh and returned his attention to the television, though Mikey continued to watch the locked door from behind his comics until retreating to his room for the night.

-oOo-

The pure darkness was a welcoming relief. Sometimes the constant glow and hum from his computer screens was a bit too much even for Donatello, and the utter, inky blackness of the living room lured him in with its comforting silence. As he at least peered out from the depths of his lab, easing out the door with careful precision, he was certain not to disturb the tranquility of the night as he crept further into the room.

A soft noise drifted through the air and he froze, his gaze snapping over his shoulder. A few moments passed before he shook his head, realizing it was only the quiet snores of Mikey drifting out from his bedroom, soon followed by the hushed murmur of Leo likewise muttering in his sleep.

Stepping further away from his lab, Don kept himself low, his gaze glued to the ground as he continued onward. His ruby eyes glowed in the darkness, flicking back and forth in rapid motion before he finally gave up with a sigh, standing just outside the closed door to Splinter's bedroom. There was no stirring from inside, but there never was anyway, and Don glanced back over his shoulder, scanning over the still contents of the room one final time.

He liked this time of night, its dark solitude wrapping around him like a blanket. It beckoned him and allowed him a type of freedom that never really seemed possible during the day, with no interruptions or questioning of what he wanted to do. This was how he liked it.

Don blinked when he realized he'd been staring at the entrance to the lair, as though he had been expecting someone to come waltzing through it at any moment. He scowled and tore his gaze away, refusing to spare it another glance. He pretended to ignore the loneliness that was beginning to creep in and weigh down on his consciousness, convinced he found his usual nighttime interruptions more troublesome than they were worth.

Muttering under his breathe he turned back toward the yawning darkness that led back into his lab, lit only by the faint glow of a single computer monitor and a Bunsen burner shoved in the back of the room. He stopped when he reached the doorway, and swallowed, suddenly overcome by a peculiar claustrophobia he was unaccustomed to. Shaking it off, he shut the door behind him, though he didn't lock it this time. He knew there wasn't any point and another heavy sigh escaped him as he moved toward his desk.

"Please get out."

"If ya didn't want me to come in, ya wouldn't have left the door open."

With a quiet groan Donnie slumped into his chair, shoving a stack of papers to the side where many fell to the floor in a haphazard pile. He crossed his arms atop the desk, avoiding his older brother's gaze as he turned his head toward the blue monitor. "I thought you were asleep."

Raphael snorted, "Yeah right."

"Raph," Don muttered as he now rested his head on his arms, "I'm serious. I'm not in the mood. What do you want?"

"Waddya mean, what do I want?" Raph snapped as he pulled away from where he'd been leaning against the wall, arms falling away from their crossed position over his plastron, "You're the one playing hermit all week and it's getting old. And don't give me that same crap you tried to pull earlier, it's just stupid for you to be in here so much."

A minute passed before Raphael realized he would receive no response and hands began to curl into fists at the growing silence. The older turtle's glare darkened, and though he paused for a short moment, he quickly found himself ignoring the wet shimmer that reflected on Donatello's eyes from the soft glow that turned his entire face a sickly shade of blue.

"Donnie, I said move your lazy shell."

"Yes, I know Raph." Don shut his eyes, his voice hushing as he pulled even further into himself, "Everything I do in here is stupid. I got that message, thanks."

Raph rolled his eyes as he suddenly reached over and yanked at the back of Don's chair with enough force to pull him away from the desk, "That's not what I said, you idiot."

"It's what you've always said!"

Donatello shot to his feet, though as he pulled himself to his toes, shoving his face into Raph's, he seemed to remember himself and he quickly pulled back. Shoulders hunched once more he cast his eyes to the side, though his body continued to tremble with the shaky gasps of an unfamiliar intensity of emotion and he tightly wrapped his arms around himself.

"And maybe you're right," Don continued on, voice still quiet though filled with a hateful bitterness as he cast his gaze around the various contraptions set about the room, "what's the point of all this garbage? It's not like any of it ever works the way it's supposed to."

"Hey," Raphael's frown deepend as he reached out and placed a palm on Don's shoulder, giving him a sharp shake of annoyance, "it was one stupid thing that didn't work. Big deal. I never liked Metalhead anyway."

Raphael didn't care to make it a habit of thinking too much before he spoke. When it had always come down to it, he figured he always spoke the truth and if someone wasn't ready to hear then that was their problem. Yet as the name of Don's creation left his mouth, he felt a sudden sting of apprehension as he watched his brother's face begin to shift at being forced to hear the name of the machine he had created, which in the end had nearly killed them all.

"Yeah, I got that." Don snapped as he shook Raph's hand from his shoulder, his voice suddenly rising as he took a step back, "Metalhead was a stupid idea; Metalhead was useless, just like everything else I try to do for us."

Raph's fists shook at his sides, through with being yelled at, "You were useless only because you weren't there fighting with us!" Raph suddenly jabbed a furious finger at the door, pointing back out of the room, "Ya left us, Donnie! When every single one of us needed ya most! Ya really think we wanted that stupid hunk of metal instead of you?"

"Instead of me doing what?" Donatello growled as he stepped back, snatching up an object from the ground before shoving it in Raphael's face, "Breaking this stupid thing five minutes into every battle? Relying on you guys to watch my shell for every little accident?"

Raph pulled himself back before suddenly realizing what it was Don was holding out to him. Don's knuckles were white as he gripped the second half of his broken bo before he threw it to the ground. The clattering as it hit the ground echoed in the cold room, the lonely, empty sound filling Raph's head.

He saw none of the pride that had once been etched onto Donatello's face the first time Master Splinter had placed the bo into his hands. He didn't know if Don even remembered his own excited, insistent chattering about the staff that had lasted weeks up until that moment, Don's tiny mind filled with the possibilities such a basic, yet versatile weapon had to offer. But Raphael sure did, as Don's utter enthusiasm had rivaled a level of obnoxiousness only Mikey was usually capable of, and if he concentrated, Raph could still hear the high pitched babbling of five year old Donatello explaining in utmost detail why he had, without a doubt, been gifted the most superior of weapons.

Now, as his brother stood before him, all but shivering with the rage his body was so unaccustomed to, Raphael felt the other half of Don's bo burning a hole in his side where he had earlier picked it up. He refused to pull it out.

Donatello didn't deserve it.

With a furious growl Raphael stormed over and snatched up the second broken piece, "You know what Donnie?" Raph snarled as he jammed the other half of the weapon into his belt, "Fine! Stay in here for all I care. Go back to playing with your toys and leave the real fightin' to us."

"You still don't get it! I can't do this anymore!"

Donatello slammed his palms on the desk, the force of the thud causing the shaky legs of it to tremble beneath him. He quickly pulled back in surprise though it made no difference as the monitor atop it gave a sudden lurch and smashed to floor with a thundering crash. Instantly Don's jaw dropped, frozen in place as he stared down in a numb silence at his own accidental destruction.

"Good job, genius!" Raph bent down and pulled the monitor back upright, only to throw it back down with a grunt of disgust as he looked down at the now fully cracked screen, "I'm not helping you replace this crap, what the hell is the matter with you?"

"It's all pointless…" Don muttered quietly as he continued to stare down at the broken flatscreen, almost avoiding Raphael's gaze, "just like Leo said, what's the point of any of this if we're ninjas?"

Raphael felt himself bristling, but before he had a chance to speak his eyes snapped open as Don took a small step forward and he watched as the other turtle pressed his foot atop the broken monitor, the screen shattering even more beneath his weight.

"Hey!" Raph leapt up as his hands hand shot out, clamping on the other's arms, as he gave him a furious shake, "Stop it you stupid moron! What do you think you're doing? "

Don wrenched himself free of Raphael's grasp, though the force of it caused him to stumble back a few paces and the back of his shell collided with a shelf behind him, though he paid it no attention as more objects came crashing down at his feet. He only just managed to dart out of the way Raphael gave a furious lung at him, his balance regained, a new look of determination setting on his face.

"I'm not going to put you guys into danger anymore."

Raph could hear the quiet tremble in Don's voice as he spoke, the struggle for composure his younger brother always fought to maintain beginning to slip away.

"Not with my useless inventions. Not with my incompetent fighting capabilities. I've had my time to think, to place where it all began. And you've just confirmed my hypothesis; I understand where it all went wrong."

"Donnie," Raph huffed, watching with calculated attention as Donatello began to edge back further from him, "What the hell are you talking about?"

Donatello's fingers wrapped around the doorknob, and he pressed his shell against the door, easing it open, "You don't have to worry about me screwing things up anymore. I won't let you guys down again."

"That's it," Raph growled as his hand shot out and he snatched up the other's wrist, ignoring the pained wince it induced, "I've had enough of this crap."

He moved to shove them the rest of the way out of the room, but stopped as Donnie gave a quiet sigh. His grip tightened though Raph shot him back another irritated glance, only to find that Don no longer looked at him. Instead, the young turtle's head was pulled down, staring at his toes as his voice softened another decibel.

"You know, I've always found a way to make things work. And I finally understand what it is that has caused such a irreparable damage to our team. And I'm going to fix it. For all of you."

Raphael twitched. He could feel his entire body pulsing, straining. But there it was. That flightiness in Don's eyes. It had always been there, an unspoken inconsistency in Donatello that had always threatened to emerge, an instability that lurked just below the surface in Don's gaze, that Raph would forever refuse to acknowledge. Donatello was not a deserter. He would not abandon them.

"I'm going to make things right for all of you. I'll keep you safe, no matter the cost."

The door slammed open and Raphael leapt forward, though Don had easily slipped out from beneath his fingers. Already Raph was far behind, watching as the swift form of his younger brother was already fading away from him.

"Donnie!"

Raph didn't care who heard him yelling or crashing out of the lair, the distance between himself and the other already tripled. Don had always been the swiftest of the four of them, and Raphael knew even at his own full speed, he had no real hope of catching the much slighter, nimbler ninja.

As he watched Don slip out through the manhole up above, the sickening reality that he was not going to stop gave Raph a powerful, aching wrench in the gut. As he burst out from the sewers himself, the sewer lid clattered as he flung it away and leapt out, eyes wild as he cast his gaze about the shadowed alley.

"Donatello!"

The sound of his own voice was caught in the air and vanished seconds after the name left his mouth, vanished from existence just as abruptly as Don had. Raph whipped around, heart pounding, yet he found not so much as a footprint to indicate where the other might have gone.

"Donnie!" he shouted once more, caring little who may have heard him. He wasted less than a second standing in place before choosing a direction, any direction, and sprinting off into the night in search of his brother.

-oOo-

Leonardo caught himself mid-yawn as he stepped out into the living room, his step pausing as his bleary morning eyes landed on the form of two of his younger brothers seated in the living room. Rubbing his face, he continued forward, trying to remember what day it was. Saturday. That explained Mikey, though as Leo stepped over to them, he noticed the distinct lack of weekend morning cartoons blaring on the television.

His eyes drifted over to Raphael. That was more of a mystery. He tried to remember the last time he'd seen Raph awake before noon, and his forehead creased as he reached the couch. Only then did his gaze return to Michelangelo, and Leo's eyes snapped open as he at last noticed the sheen of wetness that coated his little brothers' face.

"Mikey?"

The young turtle didn't respond, only curled up his legs close to him and squeezed his eyes shut. Leo's attention shot back to Raph, who had not moved from where he sat on the couch, bent over, hands clenched into fists, staring at the floor.

"Raph. What's going on? Where's Master Splinter?"

As he received no response, Leo's head snapped up in the direction of Splinter's closed door as he took a step toward it. He stopped as Mikey's voice, stuffy and timid, spoke out.

"It's Donnie. He..."

Leo felt like he'd been struck and he froze in place. For a moment he couldn't breathe before he slowly exhaled and turned back around, "What?"

Mikey was staring at him, his bright blue eyes glistening as he no longer bothered to wipe away the dampness from his face. But he said nothing more as he could only manage a choked whimper in response.

Leo said nothing. He tried to swallow and realized he couldn't. He moved to take a step forward, fumbling before his hand shot out and he grasped the back of the couch as the ground threatened to lurch beneath his feet. He exhaled, the motion painful in his chest and he paused and clenched his eyes shut.

"What...what happened?"

The words sounded far away, the voice not his own. When he forced his eyes to reopen he expected to see three brother sitting before him, searching for one more when only two entered his vision instead. His eyes fell on Raphael and it now dawned on him how filthy Raph was, covered in a sticky film of dried sweat and dirt, new scratches hatching his hands, shins and feet.

Leo stepped with care in front of him, standing between his two brothers though his gaze remained on Raphael. The words painfully scratched in his throat as he forced them out.

"Raph, where's Don?"

Only now did Raph lift his head, the effort alone causing his temples to pound as he met Leo's eyes. He said nothing as the fingers on his right hand began to uncurl, the movement catching Leonardo's attention. The dull purple strip of cloth fell from his palm, though he refused to drop it to the floor, clutching it tight enough to squeeze out a final few droplets of crimson liquid, splattering to the ground.

"Donatello's gone."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **I greatly appreciate all the reviews for my first chapter and I am extremely appreciative for those still reading!

Just to reiterate my last A/N, even though this fic does have the turtles in their early teen years, they are not strictly the 2k12 Nick turtles. This especially carries over to my interpretation of Splinter as he is much older in this fic, closer to his portrayal in the 1990 film. If you'd like a more in depth explanation of how I typically portray the turtles, feel free to check out my profile!

-oOo-

Michelangelo still cried every day.

Sometimes it came out of nowhere.

Whilst in the middle of meditating Raphael would open his eyes to find tears streaming down his little brother's face. Or a commercial for hand towels would flick on the TV and the lair would erupt with the sounds of hysterical sobbing.

Mikey wouldn't let anyone touch the stitches on his leg either.

Instead he shied away from his brothers and Master Splinter alike, tending to the wound himself after he'd locked himself alone inside Don's lab. That was fine with Raphael. Stitches and medicine wasn't exactly his territory anyway.

But as the weeks began to stretch on, nearing the passing of a month, Raph knew Leo was growing increasingly anxious about how it was healing. Truth be told, they both were. Wondering if Mikey could remove the stiches properly own, and vying for a peek at the scar whenever possible.

Raph never offered to help him though. There was something about the wound itself that made Raphael uncharacteristically uncomfortable. Stitched up so cleanly and neat by Don after having been inadvertently inflicted by his own hand in the first place. Just the thought of it made Raphael's stomach turn. Sometimes he wondered if Mikey dwelled upon that day more than he should.

Still, it was still easier to focus on things like that. Easier than the faded purple strip of cloth tied around the handle of Raph's left sai that served as a painful reminder of the brother who wasn't there. He had stopped carrying around the two broken bo pieces a week ago.

He hated Leo for making him leave them behind, even as he understood why he did it. But nothing could force him to leave the mask behind. Raphael tended to keep one hand on his sai at all times, thumb looped around the loose tail of the soft fabric, twisting the other between his fingers. He hadn't been able to wash all the deep crimson spots off of it no matter how furiously he scrubbed. He rubbed at the stains now, as though subconsciously willing them to disappear.

He wouldn't look at them though. Instead he focused on Mikey. The younger turtle walked just a few paces ahead of him, locked in between himself and Leo as the three trudged single file through the narrow sewer tunnel.

If Mikey was bothered by the sudden shift in his scouting position he made no mention of it. Raph found himself glad when Leo seemed to share the same unspoken resolve as he did when it came to a spike in awareness for their remaining youngest brother. It seemed as though the inherent instinct to protect him was heightened tenfold by the painful absence of the other.

He could see Mikey's shoulders sagging as he plodded forward, as though exemplifying the same mixture of exhaustion and dizzying disappointment that snaked its way through the trio. Raphael didn't bother lifting his head as they passed beneath another grate, the hazy citrus glow of dawn only serving as a reminder of one more sleepless night of searching and hoping in vain.

Raph twitched as he nearly bumped into Mikey, the younger turtle's pace suddenly dropping rapidly. The inky darkness mixed with his own sheer fatigue caused the ground to swerve_,_ and Raph threw his free hand out for balance as he snapped back to attention.

"Come on Mikey," he muttered with a quiet sigh, reaching through the darkness as he placed his palm on the back of the other's shell, "keep going. We're almost home."

He gave a gentle push, mindful of the darkness, when Mikey instead tumbled forward with a startled yelp, crashing into Leo with a loud thud. Raph jerked back with surprise as Leo snapped around at the sudden collision, latching onto Mikey before the two could completely crash to the ground.

"Raph! Do you have to do that!?"

Raphael darted forward, quickly extracting Mikey from Leowith a shake of his head, "I didn't do anything! I barely tapped him!"

Leo shot him another tired scowl, though Mike was quick to shake his head, stepping forward, "No really, that's my bad. I forgot you were behind me Raph. You just scared me for a sec."

Raphael rolled his eyes but said nothing else, glancing over at Leo as he let out his own loud sigh. For a moment neither said anything before Leo reached up to rub his eyes, nodding his head, "Yeah…okay. Sorry Raph."

Raphael didn't say anything. He was pretty sure that Leo didn't expect him to. It wasn't as though any of them had the energy or desire to hold a grudge to begin with anyway.

Mikey's tepid voice suddenly cut through the air, halting him mid-step.

"When are we going to go out again Leo?"

The cold silences that gripped the three brothers was suffocating.

Quietly Raph flicked his eyes back over to Leo. He could see how his older brother fought against the desire to fidget beneath the stares of his two younger siblings.

"We…" Leo paused. Almost guiltily, he shot a quick glance back to Raph, before he fell quiet immediately.

Raphael felt his shoulders bristle at the lack of response. A sickening squirmingbegan to writhe in his gut and he grit his teeth as he fought to subdue it.

"As soon as we're rested Mikey," Raphael spoke, ignoring how his voice rose in volume, as though by increasing his tone he would somehow be making his words true. Stepping forward, he placed a reassuring hand on Michelangelo's shoulder, "We're gonna go home, clean up and get some sleep. We'll leave the moment it's dusk. Just like usual. Right, Leo?"

Even as he spoke Raphael noticed how his older brother refused to make eye contact with him. Instead what he saw was a familiar, painful look etched upon his older brother's face. A look that he knew all too well. A look that made his stomach clench and his hand start to curl in a defensive, panicked fist, the other tightening its grip on Mikey.

"Right Leo!?"

And still Leonardo said nothing.

Mikey swallowed hard, looking anxiously between his two older brothers, "Leo?"

Only upon hearing his baby brother's surprisingly quiet voice did Leo finally look up, his pain-filled gaze finally looking his two remaining siblings square in the eye. He opened his mouth but no words came out. With a painful swallow, he inhaled slowly and forced himself to speak.

"Guys, I think we have to start being realistic. We already scoped the entire city inside and out three times, practically nonstop… "

Raphael flinched. His tense fist subconsciously gripped the handle of his sai once again, protectively tugging at the stained mask tied around it, "Then tomorrow we'll start again from the beginning."

"Look, it's not right that we're leaving Master Splinter alone like this for so long. Don't you think he's hurting just as much as we are, especially now with all of us gone so much?" Leo paused, unable to hide as his eyes flicked over in the direction of the lair before he swallowed, "And if the Kraang do have Don then I think it's safe to say they're not keeping him anywhere in the city."

"What do you mean by _if_?"

Raphael pulled away from Mikey, stepping over to stand in front of Leo. He didn't know why he was so surprised. He had seen the doubt on Leo's face from the beginning. Master Splinter's too. Mikey was the only one who hid it well.

But none of them had been there. None of them had seen what he had.

"All that I'm suggesting," Leo's voice was so calm, so even and level it made Raphael want to scream, "is that maybe we need to rethink our searching tactic."

Leo cast a pointed glance over at Mikey. Raphael didn't even need to look over at their youngest brother to know why. Startled, Raphael flinched when Leo gave him the same look as well.

He scowled.

Raphael didn't need a look from Leo to point out how exhausted they all were. He could feel the itchy achiness of pure weariness clawing at the back of his eyes, his body aching for a rest he refused to grant it. Even where he stood he wavered just slightly, his feet throbbing with a dull pain that intensified with every passing second

"Well, it's not like we gotta whole lot of other options!" Raph snapped as his eyes narrowed, "We know the Kraang are still out there, and wherever the hell they've got Donnie hidden is with them. And I sure as hell ain't stoppin' just cause you're gettin' a little tired."

"That's not what I meant at all. I never said that we should stop completely."

Leo visibly bristled, his voice suddenly tight but Raph didn't care. He welcomed it. He couldn't stand Leo's composure. He hadn't fought with him once since Don had left. Even Mikey had shouted at him at least a handful of times. But it never lasted. Inevitably their voices always hushed, the arguing put to rest, and the final agonizing screams he'd heard last always came to refill his head.

He could feel Mikey's fingers brushing against his arm, tugging him back, but he was quick to jerk away, stepping in closer to Leo as his fists began to shake. His heart slammed in his throat, a painful lump he couldn't swallow.

"Then stay here." He growled, voice low, "Maybe you don't think he's still out there. Or maybe you just don't care-"

Raphael's insult was cut short as Leo's hand suddenly shot out, latching onto the top of his plastron and jerking him forward so abruptly Raph bit his tongue.

"Don't," Leonardo hissed, "tell me that I don't care. Ever!"

The angry retort died on his tongue as Raphael finally noticed the tears that lurked behind Leo's soft brown eyes, skimming the surface as his hands shook with barely suppressed anger in their tight grip. Raphael took a grim sort of satisfaction as he finally heard the wrath and anguish lacing Leo's words; an emotional reaction that he was expected to hear weeks ago. An emotional response he had craved, to know that someone else shared his pain, the frustration and guilt.

Behind them Mikey whimpered.

And all of a sudden, none of it mattered.

Raphael could still feel the agonizing burn of rage, fading to nothing more than a dull ache, deep in his chest. Only the anger wasn't toward Leo. It never really had been in the first place. The twisting knot of shame tightened in his chest and he lowered his eyes, staring at the ground.

"I'm…"

He stopped the moment he felt a familiar strangling tug squeeze at his throat. Forcing his eyes shut, he exhaled carefully, his voice quieting as he barely managed to choke out, "Please…don't make us stop looking for him."

He only looked up as he felt Leo's fingers slide away, the rage seemingly fleeing his older brotherly as quickly as it had come. He could still see the tears though, lurking behind a calm expression and Raphael suddenly wondered if they'd been there from the start.

Leo only nodded, and when he spoke again the rage was gone.

"Not yet."

Raphael said nothing. He couldn't breathe. He tried to nod in return but the motion only caused his vision to blur and he was quick to wrench his gaze away. It wasn't a relief. He knew the clock was ticking, every moment slicing in deeper with the reality of what he couldn't hope to deny for much longer.

Donnie was gone.

And somehow no one but four unknown mutants would care. Life continued.

That's when he noticed Mikey. Backed up against the wall the youngest turtle stared at him, eyes wide as he listened. His face was dry but that made no difference. He too had known all along.

Donnie wasn't coming back.

Raph tore his gaze away, heart hammering in his chest. He tried to swallow but it nearly made him gag as his hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.

"Raphie?"

Mikey.

Raphael twitched from the other's touch, gritting his teeth as he glared down at the ground. How the hell were hugs going to help? What were stupid words going to change?

"Come on…"

Leo.

Raph jerked away from the gentle hand placed on his shoulder. They were still so calm. Both of them.

Screaming did nothing. Mikey's sobs didn't either. They wanted him to go home with them.

The three of them.

Always three now.

He couldn't. Not yet.

He tore away. Sprinting forward he bit his tongue before a furious cry could escape, the familiar taste of blood instantly bursting in his mouth. He was glad when Mikey's calls to him were quickly stifled, and he heard no footsteps following after.

Stealing a glance behind him as he rounded a corner, he felt a sharp twist in his gut as he caught a glimpse of Leo wrapping his arms around Mikey. Their youngest sibling sobbed hard against him before they disappeared from sight.

Good. Let Leo be the older brother Raph couldn't be.

The urge to turn back around and see his brothers again was almost unbearable, and yet as he stared down the dark, yawning sewer, stretching out in front of him, he knew he couldn't. Not like this.

With every pounding step forward a numbing shock shot up Raph's legs. He wasn't sure exactly where he was running to, but he knew he wouldn't go far. He didn't want to be alone.

He finally stopped only when he tripped.

He didn't know how he'd missed his step, slamming to the ground on his hands and knees with enough force to cause the back of his skull to ache.

He screamed, even though he'd felt worse pain before. Much worse. But it felt good to scream. The pain ebbed even as he refused to move. He squeezed his eyes shut, replaying the last few moments over again in his head, impossible to shake the final memory of Donnie's wide open eyes staring back at him as he cried out in pure terror, before the raw pain tore a blood curdling scream from Raphael's throat, the strangled reflection of his voice bouncing around the narrow tunnel, swallowing him whole.

He tried to stand, but staggered instead, his legs giving out as he thudded hard back to the floor. He drew back a clenched fist, smashing it hard against the unforgiving ground. The force sent stinging waves careening up his arms and Raph paused at the unexpected sensation from the pain.

His hesitance lasted less than a second before he drew back and slammed his fists a second time, harder against the cold, unrelenting brick. With every pounding blow his screaming only intensified, each action fueling the other until he no longer felt connected to either at all. Already the pain was subsiding, his body deteriorating into a numbness he feared he would forever fall victim to. Everything was numb. The screams didn't come from his own mouth, echoing back at him as the terrified shrieks of his little brother, pleading at him to help him.

To save him.

He saw the blood before he felt it and he didn't know how long he'd sat there beating into the earth. His throat was raw and it was only as he sat back, panting for breathe, knuckles scraping the ground, did he realize his face was wet.

He swallowed and immediately winced.

The blood coated his hands, staining the torn gauze wrapped around his palms. His fingers were slippery, warm, and Raphael's stomach gave a sudden lurch. Grimacing he glanced over at the narrow strip of sewer water trickling beside him.

Suppressing another wince he shuffled where he sat, slowly leaning over before sliding his hands in the cold water. He expected the biting sting of frozen liquid, the sharp burn from his wounds, but felt with rising disappointment that there was nothing.

He wriggled his fingers, could feel their movement and he watched as the ripples emerged. He could still feel his heart drumming erratically in his chest, the aching tug deep inside him. Swallowing hard, he focused his eyes on his hands, the crimson liquid swirling away from his fingers before gently floating off into the murky water.

Raphael stared, watching as it drifted away, lazily carried along by the current. He frowned, waiting for the deep red to thin out, diluted by the water, only to find instead that the stream of dark liquid almost seemed to intensify.

He scanned over his knuckles before pulling them out of the water completely. Though still raw, his wounds were clean.

Puzzled, he flicked his gaze back to the stream, only to discover thicker streaks of blood gliding morosely along the surface of the water.

Raphael's stomach gave a nauseating twist and he felt his chest tighten as he quickly inhaled. Squeezing his eyes shut he fought off a sudden bought of lightheadedness even as he willed the blood to disappear.

Not again. Please, not now.

Yet his silent pleas remained ignored as the blood continued to fill his vision, staining his memories; the cascade of droplets sliding down his face. He wiped them but there always seemed to be more. Always more. How did someone have so much blood? How could one survive losing so much?

If Donnie were here, he would tell Raph that he was having an anxiety attack. Seeing things that weren't really there. His subconscious mind playing on the guilt and the fear of what he couldn't do… what he didn't do.

Only Donnie wasn't there to tell him any of these things.

Raphael tore his eyes open with a dark growl, shaking away such thoughts. This he had to confront alone, to face the demons that plagued him day and night. He stared furiously into the water and the blood, to confront what he must have known deep down all along.

The crimson liquid seeped past him, languidly ebbing and flowing down the dark, dank sewer floor. With a manic cry of desperation Raphael slammed his hands into the water attempting to splash it all away, the cold spray soaking his arms and neck until he shivered uncontrollably.

Wrenching his hands back, he stared at them with grim satisfaction, before he realized he was drenched in more than just water.

He froze. An icy chill ran up his spine, and he dared not try to swallow. He couldn't tear his eyes away from it. From the very real small stream of dark red, snaking out and choking away the last of the water.

Raph's mouth was suddenly dry, his voice clawing at his throat but coming out as no more than a mere croak, "Do..."

He stopped as a soft hum reached his ears.

Quiet. Weak. It drifted around him, barely louder than that of the trickling water.

He slowly stood, wavering slightly though his eyes remained on the river of red beside him. There was no way all of this blood came from him. And there was no way that he was imagining all of this.

Slowly his eyes drifted down the tunnel, and he hesitantly took a step forward.

The humming continued.

From experience, Raphael knew what to expect up ahead. Further down was where the water originated from; a large knee-deep pool, the center of a labyrinth of countless tunnels and pipes. That was where it was coming from, the unsettlingly familiar humming.

The soft voice swarmed around him, enveloping him with every step he took. He knew that voice. That tenor, that tune. It was unmistakably… No. No, Raphael refused to hope, didn't dare believe what his heart was already soaring to. He forced himself to continue at his steady pace, bracing himself for the undeniable disappointment he was about to endure. To reach the end of the tunnel only to find what he knew would not be there.

The end came anyway. The deep pool stretched out before him, empty like he knew it would be.

Mostly.

Raphael froze.

Deep gashes plagued Donatello's body, blood oozing out with his every wavering step, pooling around him in a ring of thick red. His mask-less face was vacant, eyes closed as he stumbled forward. Mouth barely parted, the despondent humming compelled forth as he sloshed unsteadily through the water. His arms were wrapped protectively around a small metal box clutched tightly against his plastron.

Raph couldn't breathe.

He knew he should have heard the rushing of water echoing all around him.

He knew he should not have been able to pick out his brother's desperate hum over the tumult of the sewer cascading around him.

He knew there was no way there could be so much blood.

He knew Donnie should be dead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: **This chapter does contain some gory elements that may be upsetting to some readers.

**Author's Note: **It's been awhile but time for another update. I'm so thankful for all you lovely readers who have still stuck with me and this story. I'm hoping the next chapter will be posted a fair bit sooner than this one in any case.

-oOo-

Mikey had wanted pancakes that morning. Chocolate chip pancakes. Or rather, he had really wanted Don to make him chocolate chip pancakes.

Only Don seemed to understand the art of mixing copious amounts of sugar in just about everything, and Mikey was pretty sure not even Don would choose brooding in his lab for the eighth day in a row over a stack of fresh, warm pancakes dripping in syrup and powdered sugar.

At least, that had been the plan anyway.

Mikey's world didn't come crashing down when he stepped into the living room that morning, startled to find Raph sitting alone, covered in grime and blood. His universe didn't implode when he heard his older brother utter those two, heart shattering words.

"Donnie's gone."

But time had stopped.

It was like everyone had been frozen, locked in an icy grip that refused to budge. He couldn't breathe. He was trapped, sunk deep in a never ending nightmare that only spun him around in circles. There was no going back to change what happened. No going forward until their family was whole once again.

And all they could do was wait; wait for Don to return to them.

Or simply wait for them all to fall apart without him.

As it was, Mikey's tenacious hold on life's reality was frayed at best. He clung to Leonardo and Raphael with a transformed dependency unlike he'd ever experienced before, and he found their usual disagreements far more jarring than usual. As it was, the familiar sight of Raph separating from the group carried with it a pain Michelangelo could barely hope to contain.

He didn't mean to begin bawling again after Raph had vanished down the sewers. He didn't even know when the tears had begun to fall. He was only vaguely aware that he was talking somehow, the words blubbering out, mixed up and squishing together as he pressed his face against Leo's shoulder, arms wrapped around him tight.

"I don't…want…him to, to…"

Leo's arms wrapped around him and comfortingly squeezed tighter, forcing Mikey to stop speaking. The tears were caught in his throat. He felt like he was choking. His heart hammered wildly and he realized he was shaking.

Everything was cold.

He never used to get this cold before. The shivers hurt after a while but they never stopped.

He didn't know why Leo never seemed to shake.

"It'll be okay Mikey."

Mikey's eyes snapped open.

Why did Leo keep saying that?

Ever since the day Donnie first disappeared, it was all that his oldest brother could keep saying. It was as though Leo had been set on replay, saying the same meaningless reassurance over and over again. Like he thought that if he said them enough times then somehow they would all wake up the next morning and it would actually be true.

Mikey had believed him.

At least at first he did.

Or he'd wanted to anyway. He didn't know why those words were the first ones that had come tumbling out of Leo's mouth after he had heard what happened.

"It'll be okay."

And then again.

"It'll be okay."

He'd never stopped.

Even after his voice grew louder. Even after the words began to shake and blur with panic as Raph began to yell at him and Mikey had allowed his momentary pent up sobs to burst free. And even after Master Splinter had rushed out from his room, taking in the broken remains of what was left of his wounded family.

Mikey wanted Leo to stop.

"Leo!"

And then Raph was screaming at him again. Furious.

"Leo!"

"It'll be okay."

Those damn insufferable, empty words. And the yelling. Always with the yelling…

"LEO!"

Mikey started as Raphael's yell tore down the sewer, devoid of any accusatory anger, laced only with a raw, animalistic fear that Mikey had heard only once before in his brother's voice.

It took a second for Mikey to remember where he was, left behind with Leo holding him tight in the dark sewers when Raphael had run off on his own. Raph's voice echoed around them, the sheer panic sending his heart racing as he wrenched himself away from Leo, questions dying on his tongue as the urgency in his tone increased.

"Leo! Mikey!"

His eyes shot up questioningly just as Leo exchanged a panicked glance. But there was no time for Leo to answer. No time for anything but running. Sprinting. Racing down the narrow tunnel, a renewed fear clawed up Mikey's throat as Raphael's screams filled his head.

He scrambled for his nun-chucks but his fingers slipped. He kept running anyway, Raphael's voice growing louder with each step until Mikey burst ahead of Leo as he rounded the corner. He stumbled into the water, icy cold droplets splashing around him as he caught his balance.

That's when Mikey saw him.

Soaked in crimson, Donatello's pale form lay lifelessly in Raphael's arms. The older turtle struggled to pull him through the water as he shuffled forward, though his hands slid against the oozing gashes.

Raphael was still yelling.

Screaming.

Mikey didn't realize that he'd stopped running. He met Raphael's eyes and though Raph stopped yelling out, the screams still continued. There was no silence in Raphael's gaze.

Only fear.

Only more screams. Shrieking. Wailing.

They weren't ever going to stop.

His screams. They weren't Raphael's screams, they were his own.

He moved only because Leo pushed him, a frantic blur of blue and green. Mikey thought he was going to fall when he tripped but he didn't. His eyes tore away from Raphael. Away from that white, limp figure he knew as his brother. Away from the red.

And then they were beside Don. All three of them, a mass of voices swirling in Mikey's head as he reached for his frail older brother. But then he recoiled, though it wasn't from the blood. He didn't know if Leo or Raph had even noticed it. Or maybe they just didn't care.

"Mikey!"

Leo was gripping his arm, an icy, vice-like grip that slammed him back to reality.

"Go tell Master Splinter! Go!"

With a final push from Leo, Michelangelo turned back the way they had come. He gave one last glance over his shoulder as he turned the corner, bursting into motion and before he disappeared from sight.

Their voices stayed with him though, still echoing down the winding sewers. It was only once the familiar soft glow radiating from the subway station they called a home came into view did Mikey realize he was crying again. The tears pricked at his eyes but he didn't take the time to wipe them away as he careened in through the entryway, leaping over the stairs as he searched frantically.

"Master Splinter!"

The elderly rat was nowhere to be seen. Without a second thought, Mikey raced to his father's room, tearing open the door without hesitation.

"Sensei!"

His desperate gaze landed on the small form of his father, seated on the floor on the opposite end of the room. The elderly rat's dark brown eyes had snapped over to him the moment the door had crashed open, his small furry ears perked forward with tension.

"Michelangelo," his voice was tight, "what has happened?"

Mikey swallowed, but suddenly his throat felt constricted. His words caught as he ran to his Sensei, gasping for breath as a horrified sob broke through.

"He…he…Donnie…it's Don…he…" he shook his head, the words impossible to form.

He stopped as a tender, warm paw touched his head, and Mikey found himself staring into a pair of gentle eyes once more.

"It is alright my son," Master Splinter spoke quietly as he gently tugged Michelangelo's hand, urging the young terrapin to sit beside him even as his own eyes moistened with tears, "the pain shall ease. Where are your brothers?"

For a brief moment Mikey almost moved in beside him, the soft, soothing voice of his Sensei creating a flickering light of peace in the tumultuous cascade of panic. With a jolt, he wrenched himself back, hot tears surged forth anew.

"No! You don't understand!" he shook his head violently, "We found him! Raph found him! He's alive! You have to come now!"

Splinter's shoulders gave an involuntary twitch, but before he could speak a loud, metal clattering echoed out from the living room, followed immediately by Leonardo's frantic calls.

"Master Splinter! Master Splinter hurry!"

In a heartbeat Mikey leapt from his Sensei's side, racing to the door just in time to watch his two oldest brothers carrying the third over to the sofa. Both were gasping for breath, goose bumps prickling through the film of red tinted water that coated them all.

Even as a distraught gasp escaped his father, Mikey dashed forward. Only his foot caught on something, sending him crashing to the floor.

"Ugh," Mikey shook his head as he pulled himself up, ready to furiously kick away the offending object, when he froze, "What the…"

A shock of fear twisted up his spine as the two glowing red orbs glared out, piercing into him. Staring at him. He swallowed hard, stunned, before Leo's sharp voice once again called out, yanking him from his stupor.

"Mikey! Get over here!"

Instantly Mikey tore his attention away from the small metal box that he vaguely recognized as the object Don had so desperately clung to, and leapt to his feet toward his brothers.

Master Splinter was already by Donatello's side, the young turtle's head resting upon his lap. The wounds continued to ooze even as sharp tremors began to shoot through Don's body. Splinter reached forward with one tender paw, wiping away the dark water from Don's face. For a moment the old rat's whiskers twitched, yet his hesitation was short-lived as his eyes snapped up to his three remaining sons.

"Leonardo, retrieve the medical kit. Raphael, warm water. Michelangelo, as many clean blankets as you can find."

Mikey nodded along with his brothers, turning to do as instructed when a raspy voice stopped him cold, effectively rooting him to the spot.

"Don't…"

Donatello's eyes had slipped open, only a sliver, but just enough to allow the vibrant shock of red to flicker from beneath his eyelids. Violent shivers continued to course through his body as he struggled to catch his breath, the tips of his fingers twitching as he sought the warmth of another.

"Donatello, my son," Splinter's voice hushed to a whisper, one paw soothingly stroking is forehead, "you are safe."

Despite his father's calming words, Don's gaze continued to flash around, his eyes opening wider, as though numb to the gentle caress of his father.

"Don't...leave me…"

"We're not goin' anywhere Donnie." Raphael was at his side instantly, "we're right here for ya."

Mikey swallowed as he moved to step forward. He suddenly jerked back in shock as Donatello's hand shot out and grasped Raph's wrist, locking on for dear life even as Raph jerked back with surprise. Don's eyes remained wide open, as though he stared straight through his older brother even as he began to shake his head frantically, "Don't leave me here…"

"My son," Splinter's voice grew firmer as he reached for Don's hand, "Let us help you."

Don thrashed away from Splinter's touch as though he had been burned. His hand remained locked on Raphael, his grip weak but desperate. With each intake of breath his chest heaved more and more violently as he continued to shake, his voice growing louder with each word "…they're going to find you…they'll take you away from me!"

Tears began to stream from Don's wide, vacant eyes, his grip only tightening around Raph's wrist. He shook his head, refusing Splinter's gentle words as the panicked convulsions began to tear through his body.

Fear tore through Mikey as he watched on helplessly, heart hammering wildly as Don's ranting screams grew louder with each passing second.

"Don't leave me…don't leave me here alone! Don't let them find you!"

Somehow Don had latched onto Leo in the midst of his thrashing. Thin trickles of fresh blood began to drip down the older turtles' arms, the tiny streams of red making Mikey's stomach turn. Donatello suddenly jerked his head to the side, wide, blank eyes making contact, latching directly onto Michelangelo. No one else seemed to notice, so consumed with the seemingly insurmountable task of calming their increasingly agitated genius brother.

An icy shock gripped Michelangelo's heart as he stared back. Don's deep ruby eyes sparkled as the tears continued to fall, yet Mikey couldn't shake the horrifying feeling that Don was looking straight through him.

"They're coming! They'll find you!"

"Donnie!" Raphael pulled back, wincing as he did, "Stop it! We'll protect you!"

But the screams wouldn't stop.

They pierced through the lair with growing intensity until Master Splinter at last scooped his child up, pulling him close and holding him protectively to his chest. Only then did the terrified sobs grow muffled, the pleading wails softened by the comforting arms enveloping him.

Even then Donatello refused to release his hold on his bothers. The minutes passed, and only by the gentle rocking of his father did Don's frantic grip begin to weaken. Still his sobs persisted even as the violent shivers that wracked his body to fade, until the four young mutants could only hear the tender voice of their Sensei crooning gently.

"I will never let you go my son. No one can hurt you now. No one can hurt you."

It took forever for Leo to fall asleep.

Even now Raph gave a wide berth around his older brother's bedroom door as he tip-toed out into the living room. Last thing he wanted to do was wake their guilt-stricken leader. Leo's lapses of weakness never lasted for long, so Raphael would have to move fast.

He could see the thin sliver of light creping out from beneath Splinter's bedroom door, casting out a faint wash of yellow through the dark stillness of night that hushed over the lair. If he was quiet enough Raph was sure he could detect the faint sleep-talking of his youngest brother calling out as well. Raphael wondered how many more nights Master Splinter could endure before sending Michelangelo back to his own room.

But Raphael couldn't focus on any of that now.

He slowly peered over the back of the sofa, careful not to disturb the cushions as he did.

Donatello hadn't moved for days. Stirring into consciousness only long enough for a few gulps of water or broth, coughing up half of it a minute later. He never made full eye contact with any of them. Never seemed to really see anyone.

Cautiously, Raphael gripped the back of the sofa, flexing his fingers and pausing as his eyes lingered on the thin strips of bandages around his own wrist. He couldn't remember a time Don had ever made him bleed so badly before. At least not without a weapon. He smirked humorlessly, recollecting Leo's own matching bandages, the sting of Don's nails sinking into his flesh.

Damn. Donnie must have been terrified.

The shadows still fogged his vision and he blinked a few times, attempting to shake away unpleasant memories. Peering down, he sought out Donatello's sleeping face. He could hear his little brother breathing, soft and quick, as though he couldn't fully relax.

Like he was still running away.

Raph's gaze landed on the long trail of stitches curling up from the edge of Don's mouth and his stomach gave a nauseating lurch. He swallowed hard but the motion nearly caused him to gag. He blinked, eyes suddenly pricking, and he tore himself away from the sickening display on Don's face.

That's when he saw them.

The two bulbous red orbs set on either side of the dark metal box gleamed, reflecting out at him. An uncomfortable shiver ran up Raphael's arms and he tore his gaze away from where Leo had set the box on the living room table, though it hardly helped. He could still feel them piercing out into the darkness.

Staring at him.

A quiet snort jerked him from his thoughts and Raph instantly snapped to attention, eyes shooting about the empty room, alert, before he realized that it had come from Don. For a moment he almost grinned, though the smile was short lived as he gazed down at the sickly form of his little brother once more.

He had never seen Don looking so thin; his pale green skin looked almost white, stretched taught over the sharp angles of his shoulders and knees. He had weighed next to nothing when Raph had caught him, uncontrollable shivers jerking through him as he had stumbled through the water.

Still humming.

Raph had recognized the tune a few nights later, their favorite lullaby. He had nearly forgotten it until then.

With a painful swallow Raphael analyzed the rest of Donatello's body, more stark white bandages than waxy green flesh showing. He paused, eyes lingering at the already stained pink bandage wrapped around Don's chest, covering the twenty-seven stiches below, just to the left of Dons plastron.

It was the only wound that refused to stop bleeding completely. Even after the torn skin was pulled together, sewn up tight, the oozing liquid persisted. Raphael could feel his heart racing.

Did they know?

He squeezed his eyes shut.

How could they?

He tried to swallow again, a thick lump lodged in his throat.

Who would be able to that that particular wound had been there before? Countless gashes covered Don from head to toe, each one deeper and bloodier than the last. There hadn't been time to fully inspect them all. Hadn't been time to figure out just what had inflicted them. No, only to stop them.

Raph tried to force his eyes open, his teeth clenching as hot tears pierced and blurred his vision and he sucked in a breathe. Despite his efforts he continued to stare into the darkness behind his eyelids, falling into the endless abyss of black that threatened to swallow him whole.

Wake up Donnie.

How many times had he silently begged?

Please, just wake up. I'll protect you this time.

"I'm sorry I let them take you."

He had been afraid Don wouldn't stop running that night.

Don had always been swifter than him, so much lighter on his feet.

Even as Raph had wrenched himself up the ladder and out of the manhole he already had the gut-clenching feeling his little brother would already be long gone. But gone where?

A rumbling roar of thunder broke through the sky as he leapt up the last rung, a sharp breathe squeezed from his throat as he caught sight of the back of Donnie's shell, before it rapidly vanished down the end of the narrow alley.

"Donnie!"

He didn't care who heard, and didn't really expect his brother to slow down. Without bothering to kick the manhole cover back into place he burst into a sprint, eyes locked on the rapidly fading silhouette of his brother. He bit his tongue to keep from yelling even more, reflexively slipping into the shadows as he grunted, trying to pick up his speed.

It was no use. Don had always been too fast.

Raphael didn't remember when it had started raining. Had it been drizzling when he'd first jumped out into the street? The frigid water stung his eyes, but even as his vision began to blur it suddenly dawned on him where Don was headed.

TCRI.

The rain was falling in fat, heavy drops now. Colder too. Thick, white fog rose from the earth, swathing Raph with each pounding step. His heart hammered wildly, eyes growing wider as Don began to ellipse from his view, until he turned a corner and vanished completely from sight.

Raph nearly tumbled as he turned down the narrow alley and slammed into an immediate halt. A heavy blanket of white filled his vision, droplets of ice burning his skin. That was where Raph saw him. Standing, unmoving Don stood at the opposite end of the street.

He only stood still, wrapped in the dense vapor. His shell faced toward Raphael and he didn't turn to look at him. Didn't look around at the tall buildings that seemed to surround him, endlessly stretched to the sky.

"Donnie!"

Even as the call tore out from his throat, Raph was already racing forward once again, each passing moment clenching his heart tighter and tighter in his chest.

"Hey!"

Raph skid to a halt as he approached him, instantly reaching out as he spun his brother around, gripping both his shoulders tightly. For a moment Don almost faltered back. His head remained tucked down, refusing to meet Raphael's gaze. He kept his arms wrapped tight around his chest, uncharacteristically silent.

"Donnie, look at me!"

It took every ounce of Raph's willpower not to give his little brother a furious shake, "What the hell is going on with you? Whatever I said I…talk to me goddamnit."

For a few moments Raph could hear nothing but the pounding hammer of his heart thudding in his chest, and his own raspy breathing as he panted. It didn't take long for the silence to settle in, a peculiar sense of dread creeping down his spine as he realize Don wasn't even breathing hard.

"Donatello!"

Only now did his brother flinch and Raphael felt his grip begin to waver. He swallowed as Don slowly lifted his head, his eyes lowering immediately to catch his little brother's gaze.

That's when he saw it.

The blood coated Don's hands as he slowly pulled them away from where he had been clutching the side of his chest. The deep gash tore across his side, the dark crimson oozing down his body, even as he began to shake uncontrollably.

Raph couldn't breathe, his grip on Don's shoulders tightening as he tore his eyes away, trying to seek out the source, the weapon, the attacker. Yet he found nothing, only more of the thick, suffocating smoke.

"Raph…"

He whipped back around to stare at Don as his quiet voice called out, and met his little brother's gaze. Don's red-rimmed eyes were wide, staring. Raphael tried to speak, mouth opening and shutting, but the words never came. He couldn't say what he needed to say.

You'll be alright.

He watched as the tears began to slide down Don's face.

Safe. I'll keep you safe.

There was more. Blood. Oozing out.

Raph let out a half gurgled scream as he watched in horror as the flesh on Don's face began to rip apart from the inside out. Bursts of red swelled and erupted, dripping down his chin. The gashes traveled, ripping away to the top of Donatello's skull, until the hollow echo of cracking bone snapped, crumbling around the dripping coiled gray matter beneath.

Another scream lodged in Raph's throat as he wrenched his hands away. He stumbled, fingers sticky and warm, gloved in the bright viscous liquid. He could only watch in mute horror as the skin on Don's shoulders slowly began to tear away, the thick sound of shredding flesh needling into his skull. A surge of bile lurched up into Raphael's throat.

Don's tattered skin continue to peel, layer by layer as the dark, lean strips of sinew and muscle beneath began to slowly pull and snap, one by one.

Raphael's knees buckled, and still he reached out, grasping blindly for his brother, yet his fingers swiped only air. He felt the cold droplets of Don's blood as it sprayed out with each new wound, the slick droplets sliding down his body.

But Don didn't move. Didn't reach out.

He only whispered.

"I'm scared."

Before his lips tore away, revealing the stark white bone of a horrifying skeleton grin.

Raphael's terrified screams at last burst forth.

They rose up without restraint, each horrified breathe seizing his body, suffocating him up until that final moment when a heavy thud cracked against the back of skull, maliciously knocking him unconscious.

Raph still didn't know when they had become surrounded by the Kraang. Could never figure out why they had taken Donnie instead of him.

Yet no amount of searching had brought forth any of the answers he thirsted for. Instead he was left with only the haunting memory of Donatello's body decaying right before his very eyes and the inescapable reality of what he had failed to do.

He had allowed the Kraang to take Don.

With a strained gasp Raph tore his eyes open. A cold sweat covered his body, his knuckles white where he gripped the back of the sofa.

He searched through the shrouded gloom, heart pounding as he once more sought out the familiar features of Donatello's sleeping face. The stark shadows filled his vision and Raph leaned in, trying to calm his tumbling heartbeat, trying to remind himself that Donnie was alive. Donnie was safe.

Two glowing ruby lights, stared up at him.

Raphael froze.

Donnie was awake.


	4. Chapter 4

When he first awoke, all Donatello found was darkness.

He lay in silence. Waiting. Slowly a dark green form began to materialize before him, so familiar in shape it made his heart ache. Though exhaustion plagued him, he could not bring himself to fall back into the dreamless slumber from which he had awoken.

He heard Raphael speak his name, no more than a whisper barely lifting off his lips.

Don knew he needed to say something. Anything to ease the strain of worry that plagued his older brother's face, the thin lines of stress carved around his forehead and mouth. Or even a smile, no matter if it didn't reach his eyes.

I'm so sorry Raphael.

I never meant for any of this to happen.

"Hey," he croaked, "What's a guy gotta do to get some food around here?"

The flicker of relief was instantaneous. Raphael's shoulders fell, though Don could still see how the shadows of sadness refused to leave even as Raph smiled down on him.

"You little bastard," Raphael's voice was soft, and he was quick to reach up, manfully wiping his newly moistened eyes as took a small step back before whispering, "Just a sec, I'm gonna grab ya some water."

Donatello could already feel the papery thin skin around his lips beginning to crack just from the few words he had spoken. As Raph darted out of sight, Don quickly flicked out his tongue, hoping to hide the evidence of the metallic bursts of liquid he felt slowly beginning to slide down his chin. Though his efforts proved solely in vain, for the moment the older turtle stepped back over to him he instantly crinkled his beak.

"Quit talkin' so much brainiac, you're makin' it worse. Here, see if ya can drink this."

With a deliberate care, Raph tipped the glass gently against Don's lips.

Don attempted to lift his head, but he stopped instantly as the pressure building up in his temples promptly escalated. Instead, he could only wait for the cool liquid to seep into his mouth, bringing with it a moment of refreshing relief. But the instant Don attempted to swallow, the water burned in his throat, and the young turtle burst into a fit of violent coughs.

"Damn it," Raphael growled guiltily, yanking the glass back, "sorry."

With nothing at his immediate disposal, Raph brought his arm forward, using the bandages wrapped around his wrist to attempt to wipe away the dribbling water from his brother's chin.

Don grimaced and turned his head aside, his fingers weakly twitching in the faintest effort of swatting the other away.

"Raph…" Don hesitated as his voice clawed up his chest and he inhaled slowly, forcing the words steady, "…help me sit up."

Raphael immediately hesitated, his shoulders stiffening at the request. Still, Don kept his dark eyes locked on the luminescent emerald hues of the other, even as Raph shook his head.

"I don't think that's a good idea Donnie," Raph almost fidgeted where he sat before he poked the lip of the glass he'd set down earlier, "I'm not so sure I'm the best one to move ya, better wait for Master Splinter or-"

"You guys haven't turned me over at all, have you?"

Raph blinked, his forehead crinkling, "Uh…no?"

"And I can't feel my toes either," Don sighed, his gaze dropping away wistfully, "so I suppose it's safe to assume the circulation in my legs is utterly shot too."

"You can't what!?"

Raphael's attention shot over to Don's feet, when he suddenly stopped as a soft touch gently grazed his left arm. Instantly a cascade of goose-bumps washed over him as glanced down to the thin, pale green fingers now resting against him.

"Please Raph."

Don could feel Raph shudder beneath his icy fingertips. For a moment the older turtle refused his plea, staring only at his hand, the floor, anywhere but Don's gaze. Until at last he lifted his head, and a pulse of hope shot through Don's veins.

"Fine," Raph muttered, "but just for a minute, alright?"

"Scouts honor."

Donatello bit his tongue as Raphael reached over and gently began to extract his arms from his sides. It was the only way to keep himself from screaming at the top of his lungs as the fiery agony of white-hot needles jolted up from his wrists, and plummeting deep into his chest with every shallow breathe he took. He felt Raphael pause, and Don gave a hiss, clenched his fingers tight into fists and locking his arms around Raph's shoulders.

"I'm fine," Don's words were sharp as he bit back another wince, "Pull me up."

Raph mercifully wrapped his arms around Don's chest, pulling him up the rest of the way until he sat up unsteadily on the sofa.

For a few moments Don could only hear the thundering of his heart crashing in his skull, his vision exploding with black lights as he struggled to steady himself. His arms remained latched around Raphael's neck, trembling. He knew full well Raph's sturdy frame was the only thing preventing him from collapsing on the spot.

"Shit, I knew this was a bad idea…"

"No."

Don snapped his head up so fast he almost pulled away, though he was glad when Raph instinctively reached out and steadied him. He swallowed hard, forcefully shaking his head, "No…thank you Raph."

It took him a few seconds to realize he had rested his forehead against Raphael's, eyes closed once more. The elder turtle's searing hot flesh was a welcome relief to the bitter cold that gripped him to the core. Even the awkwardness of such proximity was not enough to dissuade him into pulling away from his temporary relief. Instead he focused on slowing the rapid pulsing that ached through his body, his upper body swaying slightly.

He didn't know how long he sat there, thankful for his older brother's rare bout of patience. At last the ringing in his skull began to subside, and with a slow exhale, Don forced himself to slowly pull away, staring down at his knees. Yet he stopped as he caught sight of a harsh glint of metal at Raphael's waist.

"I didn't know you slept with your gear and sais on."

"Not usually. Only after you-"

Don's shoulders twitched as Raph's words sharply cut off. Slowly he turned his head upward, but he stopped the moment he met his older brother's stare.

Even through the murky gloom of the night, Don could see the hard lines plaguing Raphael's forehead and mouth that hadn't been there just a few short months ago. Though they did nothing to detract from the startling intensity of Raphael's sharp green eyes, piercing straight through him, searching for an answer Don wasn't sure he had.

Don tried to swallow, tried to respond. But the words never came.

Instead, Raphael spoke for him.

"I knew you weren't gone." Raphael's voice was hushed, strained. Don could feel him begin to stiffen, the only thing preventing his hands from bunching into fists was the fact that he was still steadying Don where he sat. "Did you really think that we…that I…"

Only now did Don look away.

The guilt gnawed at the pit of his stomach, a sickening sensation shooting through him. He swallowed hard, forcing the nausea away.

"I blamed myself."

Don exhaled slowly. Even within the darkness inside his own head he couldn't hide from splashes of red that tainted his memories. The fear for his brothers, terror inflicted by his own doing, forever burned in his mind, "My stupidity, my…narcissism. It almost killed Mikey. It almost killed you all."

"And this option was so much better?"

Donatello twitched from the bite in Raph's voice, though he didn't fight back.

He deserved it.

"…I…I wasn't going to abandon you guys." Don's vision was blurred as he continued to stare at the floor. "I just…I needed…"

"Stop talkin'." Raph said flatly, "You're makin' your mouth bleed."

For half a moment Don almost listened. But then he wrenched his head back up, locking on Raphael as he spoke with force.

"I needed you guys to know I could keep you safe."

Don's throat constricted as the eyes of his brother instantly glittered as his words settled in the air. He had felt Raph flinch beside him. It was painful.

Suddenly he felt Raph move, pulling one arm away from where it had been firmly gripping him. Don sucked in a quick breathe as Raph brought his hand forward, fingers extended. Slowly Raph reached closer, until Don could feel his fingertips only a hair breadth's away from the long, deep scar he could still feel tugging at the side of his mouth.

There Raph's hand hovered, trembling. Raphael swallowed, allowing a shaky gasp to escape.

He remained there for only a moment or two until he began to pull away. Don's hand shot up, gripping him by the wrist as firmly as his weakened strength would allow. Raph froze as Donatello gave a small squeeze.

"You have always protected me Raphael." Don spoke firmly, "Always."

Raph said nothing. He didn't nod. Didn't pull away. He only whispered.

"Was it worth it?"

An agonizing chill gripped Don's heart, and he didn't answer.

He could feel his skin burning. Every wound transformed into a thousand needles slowly digging beneath the surface of his flesh with every struggling gasp. Yet it hardly compared to the soft voice of his older brother, filling his head with a question he couldn't even begin to comprehend.

Was it worth it?

The wicked blades of countless scalpels sliding across his flesh, forever impaling his body every waking moment thereafter.

Was it worth it?

The warmth of his own blood, flooding his eyes and filling his vision, a twisted mercy from the steely pressure of two metal prongs slowly cracking open the crown of his skull.

Was it worth it?

Screams that had choked in his throat. Shrieking into a black void of nothing, a mere, useless distraction from the slow, steady wait for death.

And yet his brothers were safe.

"Where is it?"

Raph hesitated, but then Don saw his attention shift as he turned just slightly and nodded over to the living room table.

Carefully, Don pulled away from Raph's hold. He leaned over, peering through the darkness for the familiar shape, the dull sheen of dark metal or the glowing hue of crimson that had been his only thought to destroy for countless days on end.

At last he found his prize.

His creation.

His monster.

Metalhead.

"_Donatello."_

Don's gaze snapped back to Raph as he flinched.

"What?"

Raphael blinked, "Huh?"

"You said my name."

Raph frowned, "No I didn't."

Don hesitated, studying Raph for a few seconds, though the confusion etched in his older brother's face was clear. Swallowing, Don shook his head, "Never mind."

"_Donatello."_

A cold shudder swept through Don as his body suddenly recoiled. He tore his attention away from Raphael, glancing through the murky darkness as the soft whisper of his name tickled in his ear.

"M-Mikey? Is that you?"

Raphael paused before leaning in slightly, "Mikey's asleep in Master Splinter's room. What's wrong?"

Don could feel Raph's gaze locked onto him, though he avoided turning back to him as an icy hand slowly began to creep up his spine. Again he tried to swallow, searching in the direction of Leonardo's bedroom, though Raph was quick to interject before he could question what he already knew the answer to.

"Leo's sleepin' too. What is it Donnie? What do ya hear?"

"_Donatello."_

A piercing jolt shocked through Don and he wrenched himself away from Raphael's gentle grip. He instantly felt his body begin to shudder, heart thundering so fast it crashed inside his skull.

"Donnie."

His head snapped up, could see the wide eyes of Raph staring back at him filled with absolute terror.

"Donnie, what's wrong?"

He could see his own breathe, white and foggy with every strangled gasp that wracked his chest. A horrifying chill settled around him, cloaking him in a frigid vice that hadn't been there just a moment ago.

"No…no…"

His hands flew up, covering his ears desperately. No.

"_Donatello."_

"No…please…"

Shrill. Oily. The voice seeped between his fingers, curling inside of him until its blackened grip latched on. There was no way to escape.

"_Donatello!"_

Don's head shot up. Then he saw it. The soft, hazy white mist, slowly seeping into the lair. It blanketed the walls, casting everything in a thick fog, inching closer second by second.

"Donnie!"

For a moment Donatello froze, suddenly feeling the tight grip of Raph latching onto his arms. Raphael hadn't moved where he sat beside him, though Don could feel how his fingers trembled.

He almost stopped. Caught in the stare of the other, he found something he hadn't expected.

Real.

This was real.

"_Donatello…"_

He heard the voice inside his own head, felt the freezing breath tickle against his neck. With a painful cry Don wrenched himself away from Raph's grip, the stinging knives shooting through his legs as he suddenly forced himself to stand.

"No! Raph…we have to get out of here! We have to get the others…"

He stumbled.

His knees buckled before Raph instantly shot to his side, grabbing his waist firmly.

"Whoa…Donnie…calm down bro, I don't think you should be standin'…"

But Don was already shaking his head furiously, the ground swerving beneath him though he refused to be eased back down. The voice slithered in nearer.

It was coming.

"…_Donatello…"_

Don winced as he once again tried to wrench himself from Raphael's grip, though the older turtle held him fast to his spot. He blindly reached out, fingers sliding as he tried to grasp Raph by the shoulders.

"Please Raph…" each exhale was a harsh stab deep in his chest, "…we have to get out…"

"Donatello." Raphael refused to be swayed, though Don could see the fear lighting his eyes, "You need to calm down."

"_Donatello!"_

It screeched all around him. The white mist filled his lungs, burning his throat. There was no time. No time.

Don lunged for the glinting metal strapped at Raph's waist, causing the older turtle to jerk back in shock.

It was all the time Don needed.

Raph's sai was heavier than he expected, but he gripped the handle tight with both hands, staggering back a few paces as he desperately pointed the weapon outward.

"They…they found me again…They're going to take you all away from me…"

Raphael's hands were up, palms open. The mist swirled around his feet as he carefully stepped forward.

"Donnie," Raph spoke evenly, "put it down. No one's takin' us anywhere bro. We'll figure this out okay?"

A sickening realization suddenly hit Don like a punch to the gut. Raph couldn't see it. The thick, murky cloud that was rapidly enveloping them both, filling their lungs to choke them from the inside out.

Don's grip tightened on the handle.

He could feel the stitched up wounds stretching and threatening to burst wide open. But as Raph took a step toward him, Don stumbled back, clutching the weapon with quivering hands.

"No...No, I'm not going to let them take you!"

Tears burned as they burst forth, blurring his vision already filled with the intoxicating mist.

They had found him.

They were there.

Somewhere Raph was still calling his name.

Everything had been taken over by fog, shrouding him in its unforgiving clutch. Agonizing tremors of strangled wheezes shook though Don's body, the sai beginning to waver in his desperate hands.

"Raph!"

Only now Raph was silent. No voice of his brother…nothing, except that shrill, metallic voice, calling his name. Tears as cold as ice slid down Don's face as he spun around, frantically searched for any sign of his brother.

"Raphael!"

Donatello felt the steely touch of bony fingers dig into his arms, gripping him tight from behind.

A strangled cry broke free from his throat, and he felt the deep wound in his side rupture open, warm liquid oozing down his leg. He tried to wrench himself free, but his brother's sai slipped from his grasp, clattering uselessly to the ground.

They took him.

They took Raphael.

With a final scream of desperation, Don gave a violent twist from his captor's clutches. His leg instantly gave out beneath him and he fell forward.

"Donatello!"

Don's eyes snapped open.

Firm, strong hands steadied him before he fell. Familiar hands.

"F-father?"

Master Splinter stood suddenly before him. Holding him. Protecting him.

Don swallowed hard and looked around. The mist was gone, the lair filled with only the worried faces of his three brothers.

His gaze locked onto Raphael's, standing closely beside Splinter in terrified silence. Raph was clutching onto Splinter's robes, something Don hadn't seen him do since they were children. Behind him Don could see Mikey, small whimpers escaping him as he tightly gripped Leo, who seemed to be holding on just as forcefully in return.

They were all there.

"It is safe, my son."

Don could still feel his heart thundering in his chest. The warm blood continued to trickle down his leg from the damp bandaged now wrapped around his side. Slowly Don looked away. He spotted Raphael's sai, laying in the ground just a step away. A dull strip of pale purple cloth was wrapped around its handle.

Donatello blinked, peering at it closer as though he was seeing it for the first time.

He looked back up just as he felt the warm arms of his father carefully pull him in close.

A sigh escaped Don as he at last allowed himself to return the embrace. He saw the faces of his brothers one last time before he closed his eyes.

They were okay.

His family was safe.

For now.


End file.
